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Monday, December 17, 2007

Not Even Almost Famous

diamondrexxcover

Diamond Rexx "Kick In Your Face"

Whenever I go shopping for records and I across anything of the hair metal variety, I usually pick it up. Its almost always awful; sometimes it's surpirsingly non-awful. Then there is the laughably awful. Diamond Rexx's Land Of The Damned fits that bill.

I bought this record solely for the fact that it had a track titled "Kick In Your Face". So I shouldn't have been surprised to find that this was the best song on the album. Hailing from Chicago (I wonder if they were friends with Chip Z'Nuff), Diamond Rexx consisted of the following members: Nasti Habits, who fulfills the lead vocal duties with the enthusiasm that can only be found within a dude who doesn't realize he really can't sing at all. Drummer Johnny Cottone, whose real name was probably Johnny Cottolokinsky. Guitar player S. St. Lust, whose name is so valuable to the hair metal canon that I can't even make a joke about it. Rounding out the quartet was Andre on "electric bass". Just Andre. He was too busy pulling down tail to have a last name.

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After the first chorus of "Kick You In The Face", before the second verse, we can hear Nasti Habits' sinister laugh. Why did metal bands always insist on doing this? Did they imagine that their rock was so balls hard that women were tearing off their clothes as they listened to and hesher dudes heads were literally exploding, and since they as the bringer of rock to yr face were so very evil that their first reaction to this was to laugh maniacally? Personally if I wrote a song that had that effect the first thing I would do would be to nail those chicks then maybe call an ambulance for the dude. Not just laugh like a bad actor playing the villian in a small town theatre production.

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"Kick You In The Face" is seriously one of the most ridiculous metal songs I've ever heard, I I've heard a LOT (this one, for instance). I applaud Diamond Rexx's ingenuity, but they must have been coked to the gills when they cut this track. Personally I would have called it "Kick In Your FUCKING Face", but that's just one man's opinion. Nearly every song on this debut album mentions lyricist Nasti Habits' desires for fame ad fortune. The chorus of "Life And Death" declares "Life and death and liberty/take me to me limousine". What the fuck does liberty have to do with you doing rails off some skank's tush in yr limo hot tub and puking off the side of the Dan Ryan expressway, Nasti? There's even a song called "Wish I Was Rich". Well, Diamond Rexx never really made it big, but they're still around. In fact they're still making records, although the only survivor from the original lineup is Nasti Habits. Just call him the Robert Pollard of sleazy Aqua Net metal.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Colonel Assrape McFuckstein said...

Can we talk about the fact that when you go to their fucking website you're treated to Diamond Rexx's rendition of Motorhead's "Ace of Spades?"

Fucking Ace of Spades?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Unacceptable. I'd pistol-whip these dudes

9:11 AM PST  
Blogger Michael said...

this track sounds like somebody released dirk and chest's first studio effort!

rnvetl

6:47 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is the worst fucking song in the entire fucking history of music

6:58 PM PST  
Blogger Michael said...

anonymous is sort of right. maybe not in the history of music - that would be something - but it would definitely fall into several worst ever lists. it is probably the worst song ever on pop zues. that's not debatable.

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dlhrjrc

9:01 PM PST  
Blogger Bobbi said...

all I know is any song that provokes a review that makes me laugh my ass off this hard!!deserves mention.

1:42 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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7:12 AM PST  

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