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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

‘I got the “F,” I got the “C,” I got the “K,” all I need is “U,” baby.’

by Colonel Assrape McFuckstein

Kyuss

Kyuss "Molten Universe"

Kyuss "Catamaran"

Kyuss "Mondo Generator"


Hello POP ZEUS! readers. For legal reasons I can no longer use my real name so from now on all my insightful musings will be credited to my pseudonym, “Colonel Assrape McFuckstein.”

My friend Joey came to my apartment in New Orleans once and introduced me to a band by the name of KYUSS. Joey was cool. He sold pot. You’d call him for a quarter of some MEXICAN DIRT WEED and he’d always say something slick like, “Make sure you bring 3 SONGS ON THE 5 SONG DEMO,” which meant 35 dollars – which was about 34 dollars too much for this fucking garbage. It was terrible. I’m pretty sure they dropped this shit on the Cong in ‘Nam. It burned. It was like having a beaver clawing its way out of your lungs.

I didn’t think much of Kyuss at first. Joey’s weed wasn’t good enough. This is serious STONER ROCK. It kicks you right in the balls. This music makes me want to have some kids so I can beat them.

I don’t do drugs anymore but I can finally appreciate all that is Kyuss. It’s one of those bands that has a loyal following of non-dipshits. You don’t hear many douche bags talking about how much they love Kyuss. That’s a plus.

These guys got their start playing at keg parties in the desert. I’m amazed it’s even stoner rock. STATISTICALLY SPEAKING it was more likely to be crystal meth rock – “Music to clean your house to.” “Music to look out the blinds because you’re sure the SWAT team is coming to.” “Music to watch your teeth fall out to.” Shit people would listen to really loud to cover up all the explosions from the various meth-lab trailer parks. But obviously the statistics were wrong. Math can suck a dick.

So here’s Kyuss, you fucking fucks. MONDO GENERATOR reminds me of some old White Zombie. Or maybe Zombie reminds me of Kyuss. The fuck i care? CATAMARAN is some smooth shit, the kind of song you have playing in your car when you pick a new girl up for the first time… in order lull her into a false sense of security before you unleash some Goatwhore on her. My absolute favorite is MOLTEN UNIVERSE. Fuck, it’s called Molten Universe. That’s the balls. I used to play this shit as loud as my car speakers would go and cruise by chicks. Because everybody knows chicks that put out love bad-ass riffs.

Alright, me and three guys I met outside the Post Office have to go run a train on your sister. I’ll tell her you said hello.

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16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

this guy really sounds like an asshole

2:04 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I mean, I like Kyuss, but jeez, he doesn't have to be so hostile

2:05 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKS


respectfully,
Col. Assrape McFuckstein

2:06 PM PDT  
Blogger Vic Arpeggio said...

Jeez Colonel, I show pictures of naked ladies and me all hopped on the Rick James and what do I get? Bupkis. I need to step up with the profanity. And the sodomy references.

10:44 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this guy needs a girlfriend

4:33 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, no shit

4:34 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree totally

4:34 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heard he had one once but she couldn't take the awesomeness so she left him. to get revenge, he fucked her niece's dog.

4:36 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What kind of dog was it? Do you know?

4:37 PM PDT  
Blogger dusted21 said...

you are fucking insane

4:38 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, i heard it was a very small dog, like a Pomeranian, or something, and he had to use a shoe-horn.

But he made it happen.

4:39 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like his style.

4:41 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey guys, long-time reader, first-time blogger. yes, i've known McFuckstein for many, many years and i can assure you he lives his life with the quiet dignity you'd expect.

4:43 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i bet he's got a huge crank

8:47 PM PDT  
Blogger Colonel Assrape McFuckstein said...

I'd like to go on record as saying none of these people are qualified to sniff my shit.

12:50 AM PDT  
Blogger Michael said...

hey,

i really like this spiel. i think you have a cyber enemy, a cyber stalker, my friend.

i am a non- smoking long distance runner and i dig stoner rock. runner's high? i dunno. i like (ipod) bands like kyuss, nebula, electric wizard, the melvins, etc. on a nice long run.

love

moik

lhvsgg

5:48 PM PDT  

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