Friday, October 19, 2007

Hey baby... I just shit my pants, can I get into yours?

by Colonel Assrape McFuckstein


Elliot Smith "Between The Bars"

Elliot Smith "Stupidity Tries"

Elliot Smith "Coming Up Roses"

Elliot Smith "King's Crossing"

WHAT? What, motherfucker? You don’t like Elliott Smith? What, are you some kind of fucking asshole? Are you a fucking asshole? Do you often find shit coming out of you? Are you right next to some female reproductive organs, or perhaps some balls? Are you an asshole? How about I come over there and cut off your fucking head with a fucking Rambo knife? Would you like that? Huh? I’ll fucking KILL you motherfucker! I’ll fucking KILL you! I’ll shove a grenade up your fucking ass! I’ll set that shit off by punching through your fucking abdomen with some gloves covered in glue, broken glass, and sea salt and then I'll pull out the pin motherfucker! Then I’ll take the pin and use it to gouge out your eyes you fucking fuck! You won’t be able to see me grab some boiling hot carrot soup and scald your fucking genitals you fuck! Carrot soup burns, bitch, that shit’s like napalm on your sack! Yeah! What now, motherfucker? WHAT NOW??!?

So I really like the late Elliott Smith. Critics claim his work was too derivative, his obvious Beatles influence being a bit hard for some to get past. Predictably, I’d suggest that all these critics get in a line and suck a bunch of shit. Critics are jobless douche bag dick-licks, that’s a fact. This guy we went to college with declared one afternoon that he wanted to be a professional critic. We argued that he should first pursue his goals before surrendering to a life of judging others. He was unconvinced. After we torched his car and got his girlfriend pregnant we told the police he was a pedophile.

I admit I didn’t discover Elliott Smith until his music was featured in that Good Will Wayans movie with Mork from Ork. I never lived in Portland, where he and his band Heatmiser first started blowing shit up. I never did much heroin. Sorry. The fuck am I supposed to do? He wasn’t on my radar because he didn’t play heavy metal and didn’t have a logo with some pointy lettering and some pentagrams and such. Luckily I had a girlfriend at the time who made me go see that movie. That girl was hot. She also drove a two-tone Toyota Supra, no shit. We got caught by the cops fucking in the front seat once. I had to wake her up so we could get the fuck out of there.

Anyway Elliott was the balls. Great songwriting, great melodies, great honesty. You can hear that he believed what the fuck he was saying – themes included heartbreak, drug addiction, disillusionment, and other heavy shit he was certainly qualified to explore and relate to us. I bet he had a huge crank.

So here’s some Elliott Smith, you fucking fucks. Do yourself a favor and check it out. Included are some of my favorites: Between the Bars -- some sad shit I can certainly relate to. Coming up Roses -- in classic Elliott style it sounds like it was recorded on a four-track inside a garbage can but is still better than just about anything out today. Stupidity Tries -- big instrumentation, big arrangement, big hooks, big, huge nuts. And finally King’s Crossing -- a really dark track that happens to be my favorite off the first of his posthumous releases From a Basement on the Hill.


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

this guy's clearly off his meds.

10:28 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Elliot Smith died 4 years ago today. I wonder what he'd make of this asshole.

3:53 PM PDT  
Blogger Colonel Assrape McFuckstein said...

He wouldn't care. Believe me, I know. For a fact.

The only thing serious in this article is my love for his music... my pro-Elliott Smith agenda has been clear for quite some time now.

And I tried the meds but they're just not for me.


p.s. Do you have a sister?

10:46 AM PDT  

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